Cara

As anyone in a 500 yard distance of me knows, with the exception of schoolchildren, that I have been sick the past week with some sort of government-engineered, incapacitating viral disease that has been diagnosed as a “cold”.

The best medicine? Television. More specifically - garbage television.

Working in a prestigious non-profit makes me ache for lowbrow rubbish in order to give my life balance. Where to turn?

MTV.

MTV, the entertainment juggernaut that brings us culturally enriching cerebral gems such as Jersey Shore. I was fully prepared for some grade-A trash.

So, I decided to down some Nyquil and ease into some 16 and Pregnant.

I was completely obliterated.

I can boil down a specific episode, but it’s all the same. A young girl gets pregnant, has an immature boyfriend, an ignorant family, no income, etc…It shows the reality of a teen pregnancy. Not a happy shiny Palin pregnancy - a real one, a hard one. It might be the best case for adoption or abortion I’ve ever seen.

I definitely do not want to be 16 and pregnant. In fact, I’m not sure I want to be in my 30’s and pregnant. Thank you, MTV. You did something good for once. Perhaps inadvertently, but still.

Learn more here.

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Why am I watching this you ask?

Because I have a monster of a cold and I always think bad tv makes things better.

Boy was I wrong.

Here’s what happened in the first :05 of this god awful piece of trash:

Paris is scared that a stalker tried to break into her house, so she goes to her mommy’s house. Her mom feigns concern. Like the rest of us, she doesn’t give a shit about Paris either and is only looking for airtime. 

Paris makes some sort of comment about her mom picking up after her, which makes me roll my eyes because Paris’ mom looks like she cleans up about as much as Mrs. Howell did. 

Then, one of her mom’s dog starts humping one of Paris’ millions of tiny dogs. Paris feigns disgust and calls the dog humper a “perv”. I would like to remind everyone that the reason Paris famous is because she made a sex tape with one of the sleaziest people alive, Rick Solomon. In the video, she is seen basically flossing her teeth with his pubes and taking it from every position. Yet, two adorable little pieces of fluffy canine love who have to endure living with these twats and are just trying to score some doggie love are “gross”. Whatever, moving on.

Paris then moves into her sister’s house for a few days because she’s scared of the stalker. When most of us stay at someone else’s house we bring a duffel bag that we got free because of some perfume purchase, fill it with some crap, and prepare to have our backs hurt from the couch. Not Paris, she brings 300 framed photos of herself, Paris pillows and Pepto-Bismol Pink curtains to make her feel at home. 

here is where I shut it off. 

Verdict: I hate Paris. And now myself. Really Oxygen?

Have you heard of this Fred character?It’s the most popular web series on the interwebs proving people are losing brain cells at an alarming count.

Apparently some assclown named Lucas something created this “6 year old character” who is ADD, screams and has a web series.

He speeds up the pitch of his voice, is manic like your worst bipolar nightmare, and just overall acts like a one of those rabidly annoying, high-energy punk kids you want to maul in the face with your bare teeth in order for him to stop. Just stop. Please make it stop.

He was offered a movie. A MOVIE. I’m going to let that marinate while you piss away the best years of your life in a cubicle.

Watch if you hate yourself

I didn’t want to embed it because I was already so close from getting my fallopian tubes removed from his hearing his voice.

F U, Fred.

Buy them here.